Monday, May 20, 2013

RIDDICK


RECOMMEND: "N" "O" NO!

God, I hate these Riddick pieces of shit.  I've actually watched a couple of them. I forgot all about them on my way back to my car from the theater where I saw them. I don't care to know how many there are now.  Too many is my guess. Must be me. Something's wrong with me...I get it, because the character is so.... well, he can see in the dark....and, and he beats people up and...he can see in the dark -- did I mention the seeing in the dark thing?  It's so cool cause the way you know he sees in the dark is because his fucking eyes light up like flashlights. They mention that in the trailer too, "we're talking about a guy who can see in the dark." Wow, that really does give him an advantage if he's in a world without flashlights. And this doesn't look like one of those worlds so who gives a shit?

I was swimming in a pool recently with my wife and daughters and I struck up a conversation with this nice fella, I mentioned I was a movie geek and he says, "so am I.  My favorite is the Riddick series." I thought he was fucking with me at first. Not the Godfather films, not Tarantino, Scorsese...no, Riddick for shit's sake. I didn't say anything cause I liked the guy.  

He stopped by later that night for a beer and brought me DVD copies of the Riddick movies. I said "thanks" cause I'm not an asshole.  It was a nice gesture. I still have the DVDs and I'm not sure if he gave them to me or what.  I feel weird asking him if he wants them back.  They are basically drink coasters.  Does Dear Abby still exist?  Maybe someone can help me on that one.

Anyway these movies are a waste of your precious time.  We're all speeding through time headed for that pine box at the end of it all, you think you're gonna be glad you spent 9 hours watching the Riddick Quadrilogy or however many of these things there are?  

What you should watch is the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.  That is NOT time waster.  Or pick up I Claudius on Amazon. Time much better spent.  Trust me.

And if you want to know why Hollywood keeps making this shit, look in the mirror, bright boy.  You keep watching these fucking things, they'll keep making them.

Stop.  It.

-The Trailer Snob

Psst!  Check out the Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast too and you can hear the sweet melodic tones of my voice with your actual ears...


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