Thursday, May 30, 2013

WE'RE THE MILLERS


Recommend: Yes, but...

Look, frankly this movie does look pretty funny.  But I have a beef with this particular RED BAND trailer. That means the trailer itself should be restricted to eyes that are over 17 years old.  Fine.  But gee, guess what the main reason is...a SWOLLEN SET OF BALLS.  You know....I blame Harvey Keitel way back in The Piano and Bad Lieutenant for giving the okay to showing your cock and balls. 

Jennifer Anniston ain't gonna be showing anything in this movie but maybe some side-boob and some see-through panties, but we do get to look at this shot of a Greg Nicotero-inspired set of spider-bitten swollen wedding tackle. Granted, it looks like it is a prosthetic, but god dammit...

I've said it before. Showing a dick and balls IS NOT the same as showing boobies and pubic hair.  If you're gonna show the male nethers, you have to show the female stuff too, and that means the lips need to part ways and I need to see some labia and perhaps the little hooded fella down there.  That's the equivalent, not just pubes and nipples. 

So can we get some more Sharon Stone Basic Instinct style female nudity going here? I understand the lesbian flick that just one the Palm d'Or at Cannes may deliver on that front, so maybe I will get some relief there.  But I have to sit through a French Lesbian film to get it. Probably gonna be way to much talking there.  And talking translates to reading cause I don't speak the French.

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The Trailer Snob

Saturday, May 25, 2013

PACIFIC RIM


Recommend: Yep


This one is quite boner-inducing I have to confess. But there is exactly one thing in here that makes me say, "huh?"  Why the crap do they have to have TWO pilots inside these giant fightin' robots?  That kinda just makes no sense. Wouldn't it just compound the problem of controlling the damned things? And they look super gay in there doing their synchronized fight moves. This must be some plot device and it better be explained. Like maybe one of the pilots inside goes bad and they have to fight inside one of the robots and then the robot starts making all these crazy movements like the weird guy in Devo's Satisfaction video. I like that one flying elbow-to-the-dome move from that one robot, very Tony Jaa!

Other than that I just hope they don't rely too much on the destruction-of-famous-landmarks cliche. I think Independence Day really kicked off that annoying trend and Hollywood does not seem to be getting tired of it.  I'd rather see some different types of landmarks get squashed, like maybe the Apple Pan in West LA.  Now that would be a tragic loss. Who gives a shit about the White House? We can replace the president (in fact we do every few years), but we can never replace the Apple Pan. 

All right then.

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Monday, May 20, 2013

RIDDICK


RECOMMEND: "N" "O" NO!

God, I hate these Riddick pieces of shit.  I've actually watched a couple of them. I forgot all about them on my way back to my car from the theater where I saw them. I don't care to know how many there are now.  Too many is my guess. Must be me. Something's wrong with me...I get it, because the character is so.... well, he can see in the dark....and, and he beats people up and...he can see in the dark -- did I mention the seeing in the dark thing?  It's so cool cause the way you know he sees in the dark is because his fucking eyes light up like flashlights. They mention that in the trailer too, "we're talking about a guy who can see in the dark." Wow, that really does give him an advantage if he's in a world without flashlights. And this doesn't look like one of those worlds so who gives a shit?

I was swimming in a pool recently with my wife and daughters and I struck up a conversation with this nice fella, I mentioned I was a movie geek and he says, "so am I.  My favorite is the Riddick series." I thought he was fucking with me at first. Not the Godfather films, not Tarantino, Scorsese...no, Riddick for shit's sake. I didn't say anything cause I liked the guy.  

He stopped by later that night for a beer and brought me DVD copies of the Riddick movies. I said "thanks" cause I'm not an asshole.  It was a nice gesture. I still have the DVDs and I'm not sure if he gave them to me or what.  I feel weird asking him if he wants them back.  They are basically drink coasters.  Does Dear Abby still exist?  Maybe someone can help me on that one.

Anyway these movies are a waste of your precious time.  We're all speeding through time headed for that pine box at the end of it all, you think you're gonna be glad you spent 9 hours watching the Riddick Quadrilogy or however many of these things there are?  

What you should watch is the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.  That is NOT time waster.  Or pick up I Claudius on Amazon. Time much better spent.  Trust me.

And if you want to know why Hollywood keeps making this shit, look in the mirror, bright boy.  You keep watching these fucking things, they'll keep making them.

Stop.  It.

-The Trailer Snob

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Friday, May 17, 2013

LAST VEGAS


LAST VEGAS
(Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Kevin Kline, Morgan Freeman)

Recommend: No

I think I am just pissed at this trailer for reminding me how old I am.  When I was a lad, these four guys, (well three of them anyway as Morgan Freeman came later), were young studly hunks banging everything that had a hole in it (especially Michael Douglas) and now I'm watching them make Lipitor jokes and hobble around. Seriously, if you scraped under the foreskin of these aged leathery cocks you'd probably get more pussy residue than from an old rendering plant. But now they are officially old dudes.  Father Time really should get a kick in the balls. He's caught up to everyone of course -- and he will catch up to your fuckin ass too, Channing Tatum! 

And Michael Douglas, this guy must have been a God damned saint in a previous life, first he drops out of a vagina that was married to Kirk Douglas, so he's Hollywood royalty, and he's good-looking, and he's talented, then he becomes a sex addict, which is kinda hard for a non-celebrity male to fall into -- we regular guys can only dream of it, or go broke paying prostitutes. Then he marries Catherine Zeta-Jones, do I need to elaborate on that? Then he gets throat cancer, knocks on Death's door...and Death must have been in the shower or something cause he doesn't answer, and now Michael Douglas is back with this one -- and another one where he plays Liberace that looks way better than this thing whatever it is.  "Hangover" for retirees?  Is that where we are with this one? Fuck sake. And where's Jack Nicholson?

I don't think the parachute is gonna open on this one, and I say we help it die a quick death and NOT go out to see this one.  Stay home...rent Bridesmaids on your Roku box or something.

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