Monday, February 4, 2013

G.I. JOE 2: RETALIATION


Recommend: I recommend you kill yourself if you want to see this


     Hi, I'm Dave Smith of the Pretentious Movie Snobs.  Over 90 percent of 14 year-old boys in the United States want to see G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation.  But what their parents don't know is that they are horrible, abusive people who have turned their boys into semi-retarded mouth-breathing knuckle draggers.  Please join me in shaming them whenever the chance presents itself.  Together, we can make a difference.

      I mean it.  Look, if your son wants to see the latest Avengers movie, he's got a much better head on his shoulders than the ape-like bipedal creature next door with the posters of The Rock adorning his stained walls.  This trailer is simply a digital stream of shit flowing through your kid's fiber optic cable.  I watched this steaming excrement twice and I would rather stare at an empty U-Haul trailer for half a day than watch this one one more time. At least that trailer has some value.

     Well, now wait a minute, it does have an amazing sequence where some famous cities are destroyed, that's gotta be incred-- what?  Oh, that's been a fucked-out staple of disaster movies for  decades now?  Hmm...well maybe we can enjoy another sequence where the hero is hanging onto the side of a skyscraper with his pinkie finger and four other people and a dog are hanging on to his shoelaces.  Genius.  Just genius.

     I beg of you, you folks over at MGM, Skydance, and Paramount Pictures -- by the way, why so many studios involved here?  Are you all that afraid to be the only studio responsible for this obnoxious bile?  

    Anyway, there is a way to redeem yourselves for this one.  If I get all of your thumbs in the mail by end of day this Friday, I will consider the matter closed.  

    And stop warming up your cars in the garage with the doors closed in the morning.  It's affecting your judgment.

-The Trailer Snob

(and try to catch the Pretentious Movie Snobs podcast on iTunes. )
     

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