Saturday, December 8, 2012

THE CROODS


Recommend: Yes


     Meet The Croods, a family of  Neanderthals forced to leave the comfort of their old, crumbling homeland to face a whole new world of wonder.  I'm sure the family has its problems like any family does, but this adventure will bring them closer together and they'll learn that blood is the most important bond there is...no matter where you live.
     Um, I did notice there are no Neanderthals of Color in this particular trailer.  All the characters look to be of caucasoid extraction.  The folks at Dreamworks and Fox may have some splainin' to do on that one. I mean, how are urban youths supposed to identify with this white family? And we all know that urban is code for non-rural, wink-wink.  I'd love to write Dreamworks Animation a strongly worded letter, certified snail mail to add gravitase: 
     "Dear Sirs or Madams, it seems that the decades-old messages of inclusion, tolerance and diversity have not been received by Dreamworks SKG and/or 20th Century Fox. Why the hate? While we applaud your young female lead character and her rather non-white junky-trunk and thick gymnast legs, we would like to suggest that you delay the release date of  The Croods until such time as a scene, or scenes, can be added that show an African-American Neanderthal in a position of power, preferably female, and that that character in no way seems unintelligent at any point during the film. I have also been in contact with an LGBT attorney who has written a screenplay featuring a bi-curious Cro-Magnon-American who lost a government job on the basis of gender discrimination (based on a true story).  We feel this character could neatly be layered into your film. We hope you can find time in your busy schedules to meet with our representatives, so that your film's upcoming release date can be met without incident."
     I bet the highly underpaid receptionist who typifies the income disparity in Hollywood would shit themselves, run out the door and down the street over to Yaki's and knock the Bulldog right out of Jeffrey Katzenberg's hands to show him the letter.
     Other than that, I'm sure this film will make a lovely afternoon for family viewing at the local cineplex.  I mean that.  
     Some predictions: look for the old mother-in-law character who seems like a burden to the dad character to provide the epiphany that the dad needs to defeat the bad guy at the end (good thing we brought you, mom).  Also look for the Croods to meet up with some other more advanced people who at first look down on them, but later learn that the Croods are anything but "crude," and just maybe they can learn something from them about what family really means.  Let me know how I did on those, will ya?

-The Trailer Snob



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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

ANGELS OF SEX



Recommend? - not THIS time!

     Whoa. Penises in vaginas -- penises in man-ginas...gay guys doing it with straight guys doing it with straight girls. And of course, street break dancers! 
     This might get pretty confusing for those young impressionable kids out there. Now I just lost half of you because you think I don't like gay people. Not the case, I just don't like watching confused people do anything. Look, if you're gay, do your gay thing. I think you should be able to marry your gay partner too if you want.  But if you are straight, be straight. The lead guy in this one reminds me of the line "Were you born gay or did you get sucked into it?" I think he's gonna get sucked into it.  And you know what? That means no more babies and that means no more tax payers in 18 years and that is not acceptable. 
     Look, Spain (I think this one takes place in Spain) already has a dismal birthrate and they've got to import people to keep paying their taxes to keep that welfare state going, they've got pretty high taxes and then they got that VAT tax of like 21% added on to the regular income taxes. Ouch! If you wanna keep that up, you have to START FUCKING YOUR WOMEN. If you don't start putting sperm into the right place over there, we are going out of Greeks, Spaniards, Italians....they're all gonna be gone in a hundred years.
     Sperm that goes into the poop shoot of your male roommate does not a taxpayer make, mi amigos. And I don't want this movie confusing any of the horny teenage males here because we got this Obamacare shit going onto effect soon and we need more taxpayers too! Yes, you are born gay or straight, but if you are young and dumb like most kids, and you see movies where a guy who likes girls wakes up one morning and decides to brush his teeth with a big fat cock, well, we're just going to artificially pump up the number of gay dudes and gay chicks. 
     Look, just stay away from this movie, get out there and procreate cause we need your children's tax money!

I bet you did NOT see that one coming did you. 


Also catch me on Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast.  
Available on iTunes.


-The Trailer Snob





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