Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Wrath of the Titans

Recommend: um....yes

     Finally a sequel to the remake of Clash of the Titans, a movie that never warranted a sequel itself.  Special effects look good, no excuse for bad effects with the kind of sick money Warner Bros is shoving up its ass.  They do have some interesting images though, like those molten rocks that turn into multi-armed ass-kicking ground soldiers (31 seconds in) with their swords tearing shit up.  Well done there.  And I still get a chuckle when I see Sam Worthington's name on the poster, because of Cal Worthington, the perennial used car salesman SoCal residents will remember fondly.  I think that guy is still alive.  The commercials would always start off with banjo picking and then the announcer comes in with "It's Cal Worthington and his dog, Spot."  And his "dog" spot could be a chimp, or a black bear or Thai prostitute walking on the wing of a bi-plane with Cal.  Crazy.  Anyway I see the opening images of this trailer and I hear: "it's Sam Worthington and his flying horse, Pegasus."  Cue banjo music...
     So what's the story?  The old gigantic mosters of the super-duper old times, the Titans, are breaking loose after having been imprisoned for an eternity by the Gods, and they need the help of the half-man half-god Perseus to stop them, or save the world or whatever.  Okay.  But there's something that sets off my bullshit detector when Liam Neeson -- who I think is Zeus, right?  Anyway he tells Perseus, "you'll find that being half human makes you more powerful than a god."  Okay that's just fucking patronizing bullshit there.  I admit I found it interesting in Troy when Brad Pitt tells Eric Bana that the gods are jealous of humans because humans are mortal, it made some sense.  But being half human makes Perseus more powerful?  
     No.  Humans are just lame compared to gods.  I mean, I think we would be considered like gods to, say, a potato bug, but I doubt that the potato bugs have any mythology about a half man half potato bug character who is stronger because he's half potato bug.  Unless saving your planet hinges on you scaring the shit out of someone who's digging in their garden, the half potato bug part of you is fairly worthless.  That's the kind of shit you tell weak people to make them feel better about telling American Indians what a proud, unique, mystical people they are, when they are just as stupid as the rest of us.  I'm part Cherokee by the there!
     "That indomitable human spirit..." Captain Kirk beat the shit out of that one on Star Trek.  All the powerful alien races were always jealous of us for some bizarre bullshit reason.  Good thing they never sat in on an LA City Council meeting, they'd vaporize every last one of us if they saw what we waste our time with.  Oh, and I don't know when it happened but I think Hollywood got the message to stop using those little tail-end stingers after the trailer is apparently over, that last little thing that flies at you and makes a loud thwap! or whoosh!  It's not here, even though I was expecting something like a spork to burst through Liam Neeson's chest cavity or something.  That shitty Tornado movie Twister was the first one to use that and it was amusing the first time...but I'm glad to see that little convention has seemingly shit the bed.
     Well.  Look, bottom line, if you're a young dude, young chick, this one might give you some wows here and there, so go for it.  Enjoy.  We need these kind of crazy spectacles once in a while.  Might make a fun midnight screening, maybe a little over 21 screening at the Arclight Hollywood.  Have a cocktail and watch all the leaping....lots of dudes leaping around in this trailer.

Go.  Watch.

I trust you will let me know how it is.  I'll be here trying to squirt a dropper of Amoxicillin into my sick daughter's tightly closed mouth as she kicks me in the crotch and screams.  

Ah, parenthood.

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