Saturday, December 8, 2012

THE CROODS


Recommend: Yes


     Meet The Croods, a family of  Neanderthals forced to leave the comfort of their old, crumbling homeland to face a whole new world of wonder.  I'm sure the family has its problems like any family does, but this adventure will bring them closer together and they'll learn that blood is the most important bond there is...no matter where you live.
     Um, I did notice there are no Neanderthals of Color in this particular trailer.  All the characters look to be of caucasoid extraction.  The folks at Dreamworks and Fox may have some splainin' to do on that one. I mean, how are urban youths supposed to identify with this white family? And we all know that urban is code for non-rural, wink-wink.  I'd love to write Dreamworks Animation a strongly worded letter, certified snail mail to add gravitase: 
     "Dear Sirs or Madams, it seems that the decades-old messages of inclusion, tolerance and diversity have not been received by Dreamworks SKG and/or 20th Century Fox. Why the hate? While we applaud your young female lead character and her rather non-white junky-trunk and thick gymnast legs, we would like to suggest that you delay the release date of  The Croods until such time as a scene, or scenes, can be added that show an African-American Neanderthal in a position of power, preferably female, and that that character in no way seems unintelligent at any point during the film. I have also been in contact with an LGBT attorney who has written a screenplay featuring a bi-curious Cro-Magnon-American who lost a government job on the basis of gender discrimination (based on a true story).  We feel this character could neatly be layered into your film. We hope you can find time in your busy schedules to meet with our representatives, so that your film's upcoming release date can be met without incident."
     I bet the highly underpaid receptionist who typifies the income disparity in Hollywood would shit themselves, run out the door and down the street over to Yaki's and knock the Bulldog right out of Jeffrey Katzenberg's hands to show him the letter.
     Other than that, I'm sure this film will make a lovely afternoon for family viewing at the local cineplex.  I mean that.  
     Some predictions: look for the old mother-in-law character who seems like a burden to the dad character to provide the epiphany that the dad needs to defeat the bad guy at the end (good thing we brought you, mom).  Also look for the Croods to meet up with some other more advanced people who at first look down on them, but later learn that the Croods are anything but "crude," and just maybe they can learn something from them about what family really means.  Let me know how I did on those, will ya?

-The Trailer Snob



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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

ANGELS OF SEX



Recommend? - not THIS time!

     Whoa. Penises in vaginas -- penises in man-ginas...gay guys doing it with straight guys doing it with straight girls. And of course, street break dancers! 
     This might get pretty confusing for those young impressionable kids out there. Now I just lost half of you because you think I don't like gay people. Not the case, I just don't like watching confused people do anything. Look, if you're gay, do your gay thing. I think you should be able to marry your gay partner too if you want.  But if you are straight, be straight. The lead guy in this one reminds me of the line "Were you born gay or did you get sucked into it?" I think he's gonna get sucked into it.  And you know what? That means no more babies and that means no more tax payers in 18 years and that is not acceptable. 
     Look, Spain (I think this one takes place in Spain) already has a dismal birthrate and they've got to import people to keep paying their taxes to keep that welfare state going, they've got pretty high taxes and then they got that VAT tax of like 21% added on to the regular income taxes. Ouch! If you wanna keep that up, you have to START FUCKING YOUR WOMEN. If you don't start putting sperm into the right place over there, we are going out of Greeks, Spaniards, Italians....they're all gonna be gone in a hundred years.
     Sperm that goes into the poop shoot of your male roommate does not a taxpayer make, mi amigos. And I don't want this movie confusing any of the horny teenage males here because we got this Obamacare shit going onto effect soon and we need more taxpayers too! Yes, you are born gay or straight, but if you are young and dumb like most kids, and you see movies where a guy who likes girls wakes up one morning and decides to brush his teeth with a big fat cock, well, we're just going to artificially pump up the number of gay dudes and gay chicks. 
     Look, just stay away from this movie, get out there and procreate cause we need your children's tax money!

I bet you did NOT see that one coming did you. 


Also catch me on Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast.  
Available on iTunes.


-The Trailer Snob





HyperSmash

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

MOVIE 43



Recommend: I'm afraid so

     I seem to be in danger of ruining my "snob" moniker because I keep liking so many trailers.  I promise I will sniff out some stinkers for the next few posts, but this one had to be commented on because it's rare to find a comedy trailer that is actually funny. I mean, did you see the Nature Calls trailer?  For shit sake, this one is thirty to forty times better. 
     Right off the bat we've got F-bombs and boobies in the actual trailer.  Nicely played! Some folks are going to be put off by that but those folks' butts will never get anywhere near a theater showing this flick. It reminds me a little of the classic Kentucky Fried Movie, in that it's just plain dirty, and it seems to be following a bunch of unrelated characters and probably will not add up to much when the credits roll at the end.  But there is a place for these types of films. Do I think Airplane! is as good a movie as Defending Your Life or Annie Hall, or Groundhog Day (the last three being films that are devastatingly hilarious but also teach useful life lessons)?  Not exactly, but Airplane! sure as shit is just as funny or funnier than those others.
     Looking at the credits I do see a bakers dozen or so screenwriters and directors so that tells me this is gonna be a bunch of unrelated material, again, a bit like Kentucky Fried Movie.  The list of writers ring absolutely no bells with me, but they seem to be younger folks involved with things I don't watch, but funny is funny.  By the way, if you see more than four writers on a regular movie with a single narrative storyline, that should be your cue to run the other way as fast as humanly possible.  I swear I saw a standee in a theater once for the Flintstones movie long before it came out and there were I believe thirteen writers listed on that damned thing.  They whittled it down to three before the movie came out, but those thirteen hacks all climbed on top and did their business all over that poor little movie before someone turned the hose on them...and I think it shows.  The directors names are a who's who of funny-bone ticklers, uh, with the exception of Brett Ratner, whose filmography reads like a Bataan Death March Trail of Tears left in celluloid, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for this one.  Just this once.
     I'm liking the cast here as well.  A lot of people who are not known for broad comedy, which can be magic in the right doses (look at Leslie Nielsen and Robert Stack in Airplane!, or Charlie Sheen in the Hot Shots series), and some who are, like Stephen Merchant, the tall British guy who brought us the original The Office along with Ricky Gervais.  Let's hope Merchant's film career goes a little better than Ricky Gervais' has so far, eh?
     My recommendation is to perhaps have one cocktail, maybe two, and time this one so your buzz is just kicking in, and you should have a good time.  I trust you will let me know if I was wrong.

-The Trailer Snob



Also catch me on Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast.  
Available on iTunes.
     

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

ANY DAY NOW




Recommend: Oh God Yes!

O. M. F. G.

     Imagine my surprise when I realized that this is not a well-done Saturday Night Live spoof of an Alan Cumming movie in which a gay couple adopts an abused kid with Down Syndrome.

     Holy shit.  This has got to be the most Oscar-pandering "SBIG" (So Bad It's Good) flick I've seen drop out of someone's ass in a long time. Alan Cumming plays a gay fellow who's got a secret relationship with a lawyer and he and the lawyer end up adopting a neglected kid with Down Syndrome? This is going to be amazing.  And the worse it is the better it will be. They've even got a drug-addicted mom tossed in here.  

     This is a classic shock-and-awe, kitchen-sink Oscar grab-bag if ever there was one.  Also I'm guessing they finally come out of the closet right at the climactic scene to tell everyone they are gay and they love this kid and they want to adopt him.  Won't be a dry eye in the house (yeah, I make fun, but I will be bawling too).  And listen to me, Academy members -- if this does not win at least Best Screenplay, you are all homophobes and gay bashers, and anti....uh, Anti-Down Syndrome!  Which I guess would make you Up-Syndromers.
     In real life, Alan Cumming is bisexual, which, for men, is really just a four-syllable word for gay, and he is married to another chap which is undoubtedly why he is drawn to this story.

     Hey, relax, I got no beef with a gay couple adopting any kid in need, but this just looks so cheesy doesn't it?  It's like Kramer Vs. Kramer meets Cruising.  Cumming loooks like he may have studied Pacino's performance in Cruising for some tips.  Well, let's hope so anyway.  I may crawl out of my hobbit-hole to actually see this one.  

     It truly is a case where if it's not bad, well, good.  But if it is bad, well, GREAT!!



Also catch me on Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast.  
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-The Trailer Snob

Sunday, November 11, 2012

GREAT EXPECTATIONS



Recommend: Yes

     I tried to find something nasty to say about this trailer but I just can't.  This is one of those great stories everyone should read.  I wanted to say "novels" but it was written in serial form and appeared in weekly sections in Dickens' 19th Century periodical All the Year Round.  At the time in England this was the closest thing they had to TV series, and it was quite a hit. I actually still remember reading it in high school and that was quite a long time ago.  Yes, it has been adapted to the screen many times, but I'd rather see this keep coming back then another stinking remake of Red Dawn, or how many times are we gonna reboot Superman and Spiderman?  If we're gonna do that then I'm glad someone keeps trying to sneak this onto our teenagers' dinner plates too.
     I have no doubt, though, that there was some 28-year-old executive in the early meetings for this one who tried to pitch Pip as a vampire and Estella as a werewolf, or perhaps the reverse.  I'm glad they are going with the real deal.  Although I thought Miss Havisham (one of the most interesting characters to ever appear in all of literature) was supposed to be a scary old broad.  They've got Helena Bonham Carter in the role this time, and I'm sorry but as far as this Miss Havisham goes, I'd like to throw her a stiff one.  I'd totally break that hip, if you know what I mean.
     Reminds me of Sunset Blvd.  I've seen that at least ten times and every time I think, "shit, what's wrong with this deal?  William Holden is a screenwriter who lives in an old mansion with a hot 50-year-old silver screen star an all he has to do is work on a script with her and give her a good rogering now and then?  Gloria Swanson is HOT in that one!  I dunno.
     And don't get me started on Miss Havisham again....I remember she's got that ancient wedding cake still sitting in that room where it was the day she was left at the altar....man, I'd hike up that stained, stinking old wedding dress and plunk her bare ass down right on top of that cake and we'd get our freaks on.  With her permission of course, I mean, you know, I'm a gentleman after all.

Look, if you're gonna keep my hand out of that cookie jar you'd have to cast someone like Kathy Bates or maybe John Lithgow.

Uh....what happened?  Where was I?

Oh yeah.  I say, keep the Charles Dickens boat afloat and go and check this one out.

Friday, November 9, 2012

WORLD WAR Z


     
     Recommend: YES

     Thank God the studios got my letter about needing more Zombie movies...it's been at least 43 minutes since one was released and now we got World War Z starring Brad Pitt on the way.  Okay, bitching over.  This is what we call in the business (yes I have done some trailer editing on small projects) as a "really good" trailer.  I don't mean to talk shop and lose anyone so my apologies.  Other words we use in the business are "cool" and "fun."  Still with me?  Okay.  This one covers all the bases: cute start....something's wrong....whoa shit!  Something is REALLY WRONG!
     Looks like they are going the standard CGI up the ass route with fast zombies BUT these fast zombies are so fast they are climbing over each other like a tidal wave of red amazon warrior ants, flowing like flesh-hungry rivers through the streets.  I like.
     Look, Brad Pitt rarely puts out a piece of crap so I'd say this one is going to be on your "to do" list when it hits theaters in 2013.  Writer Matthew Michael Carnahan has banged out a few of these political and government-intrigue flicks before with some success so we will see how he's able to flavor that type of story with the undead.  
     Go and check it out.


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

NATURE CALLS



 Patton Oswald kidnaps his scout troop from a sleepover at his douchebag brother's (Johnny Knoxville) house and takes them on a camping trip to turn them into men. Yeah, baby. There must have been a bidding war over this hot script. First off, if an effeminate pudgy single guy in his 30's wants to take your kids on a camping trip to "turn them into men", your first inclination should be to shoot him in the face, cause there's gonna be some forced anal penetration going on in one or all of those tents.

If you find out you were wrong, and he's not a child molester, you'll need to plant some child porn on his computer so the Feds have something to go on. But you won't be wrong. That being said, what the hell is this? They've got Patton Oswald, Knoxville, Rob Riggle, Patrice O'Neal in a posthumous performance, and these are the jokes we get in the trailer? Looks like this was STRICTLY an acting gig for these guys. These poor editors. I mean they are magicians but give them something to work with for shit sake. I don't blame the actors for cashing in but why just shit all over your comic legacy with an obvious turd like this? I say avoid this one like you would a drunken priest who just got kicked out of a gay bar. To quote Geena Davis from the Fly: Be afraid...be very afraid.

Monday, July 9, 2012

JACK REACHER


     "There's this guy, he's the kind of cop, least he used to be, doesn't care about proof, doesn't care about the law...he only cares about what's right..." If this quote were part of a Jeopardy answer I'd go with the question: Uh, what is EVERY fucking cop movie EVER made, for four hundred, Alex?
     Well, wait now, you know, come to think of it, I am pretty damned sick of those movies where the cop is always checking back with headquarters and the D.A about whether he has enough evidence for a search warrant... and making sure the perp is always Mirandized properly, calling in the interpreter if the guy doesn't speak English, making sure not to make any off-color remarks about women in front of his female partner...I want a cop who JUST DOESN'T CARE! One who might just bust a few heads and tear some knee ligaments... and damage rotator cuff or two, one who argues with his captain that he just needs a little more time, AND shoot a mad-dog stare at that Internal Affairs guy who's always poking his damned nose into everything....one who's not afraid to dole out a little street justice for a change...


     Man, this is good stuff.  Don't be stealing this stuff, now.  I got it all written down here on this blog with a date on it and that's more than enough for a copyright.  So back off, man.


I mean it.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

TOTAL RECALL


Recommend: yes

     Why would some stuffy trailer critic who is supposed to not like anything recommend a reboot of some other good movie from 1990?  It might surprise some that this film geek does not mind remakes all that much.  I picked up this idea from someone a while back and I wish I could remember who suggested it, but remakes of films are a little like recasting Hamlet every year or so, or any other Shakespeare play, back in the day. Of course, in those days they could not preserve great performances like we can now, so the material had to live on in the form of new casts and new actors, bringing the material to new audiences.  I really don't see why it should be taboo to remake films, good, bad or mediocre.  Just remember that you better have bowling balls in your boxer-briefs if you plan to re-lens Citizen Kane starring Brad Pitt.  You screw something like that up and you are fucked and far from home, bro.
     Sometimes a retelling can freshen up the idea and put new eyes on it.  It probably works best when someone takes an older film that had a good idea but didn't quite flesh it out.  I think Scorsese's Cape Fear is an example of that.  John Carpenter's The Thing is a more complete version of the older film, and I think Peter Jackson's King Kong is actually better than the original, and not just because of the effects, although Kong is much more compelling with the aid of the new technology, but only in the sense that he is able to convey more emotion, and that's ultimately what film is about.  
     This version of Total Recall looks like it is based on the previous incarnation but they still both draw from the Philip K. Dick short story We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.  Naturally the effects look great, taking obvious inspiration from another Dick-inspired film, Blade Runner.
     Sadly there are a couple moments where Collin Farrell is punching bad guys in the helmet, and I think he even punches a damned robot in the face.  Should this blog-post survive the decades to a time when robots actually are running around loose, kids, do not punch a robot in the face with your bare hand.  You will have a broken hand.  It's just good science.  So, check this one out, and check out the Paul Verhoeven version with Arnie, and compare and contrast, and see what you come up with.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

DJANGO UNCHAINED









Recommed: Yes, dammit!


     What, are you kidding me?  Guess where most of the blood in my body rushed to upon first viewing of this trailer?  That's right, baby, nothing but straight-up tumescence down there in the groinal area.  No one does cool revenge movies better than Quentin Tarantino, and this one has all the ingredients from the git-go.  Christoph Waltz as a German-born bounty hunter teaming up with a slave to help him put some assholes in the ground?  What's not to like?
     Although I gotta say, if the words "A Brett Ratner Film" had appeared anywhere on this trailer, I would kiss that erection goodbye (ah, were I only that nimble).  This is is the kind of dish for which you better know who the chef is before you sink your teeth into it.  
     Example: if my mother, an awful cook who once served a steak with the paper still attached to the bottom of it, told me she was making a cookie dough omelette...it would be a thousand times "no."  God no.  But if Mario Batali pulls the cover off of the same dish, I'm fuckin' in!  Same thing here.  I think we will be in good hands with this one.
     Nice touch at the end where Jamie Foxx is sitting next to "some guy" at the casino telling him that the "D" is silent in Django....for you non film-geeks that actor is the original Django, Franco Nero.  And he is looking pretty good.  Actually he looks like a mash-up of Oliver Reed and Dos Equis' most Interesting Man in the World.  
     Of course if Oliver Reed was The Most Interesting Man in the World his sign-off would probably be, "I don't always drink beer...sometimes I drink whiskey, scotch, gin, tequila, whatever is around, and sometimes I have to sleep so I can't drink at all."
     Anyway, release date: Christmas.  Perfect.  I don't think our lord and savior would have it any other way.  

THE TALL MAN




Recommend:  on the fence on this one

     So somebody is running around the mountain town of Cold Rock stealing people's children -- a man who is apparently above average in height.    This one has a bit of a Mothman Prophecies feel to it, which I found to be a creepy and fairly interesting horror flick, but things may run of the rails for this Pascal Laugier film because it's not really a horror film.  There was a very determined comment on the imdb page for this one reminding people that this is more of a thriller than a horror film, so take that into consideration when you head to the multiplex.  
     Another interesting side note, this one was originally called The Tall Black Man, and centered around an NBA star who was going around the country and actually leaving babies all over the place by impregnating legions of young women, thus, littering the streets with baby-mommas.  After a quick reworking by Laugier (who also helmed 2008's Martyrs) we end up with just a tall man of indeterminate race who is actually taking them away.  Whole different feel for this one.  
     And, hey, hats off to the cinematographer for getting Jessica Biel's lips to look the same color as her face in a lot of these shots.  That was weird.  And am I imagining things or did it look like this one was called The Secret in this trailer?  I always hate those super generic titles, The Tall Man is an odd title but it's better than The Secret.
     My completely blind guess as to why the children are being taken, you ask?  Probably revenge, must be a dad who's got some grudge against the town because his kid died or something and he feels like the town was responsible in some way.  I hope I am wrong cause that's kinda weak and I hate guessing these things right off the bat.  Like the time I saw M. Night Shyamalamamdingdong's The Village -- during the opening shot at the funeral, I just had a hunch that turned out to be right.   
     Well, if you go to this one, have some popcorn (with butter) mixed with some M&M's.  That's my favorite.
     


Friday, April 27, 2012

MARLEY


Recommend: Yes

     I know this one is out already and perhaps you can still catch it if you want to.  Bob Marley was of course an immensely talented singer-songwriter-performer who belongs in the pantheon of the greats.....BUT...there's something I hope they get to in this doc.  I'll put it in the form of a question:

Why is it that Bob Marley was so fantastic, yet ALL OTHER REGGAE MUSIC SUCKS BALLS?  

     Sorry to you super Reggae fans out there who like Black Uhuru and that shit. but you are obviously stoned out of what's left of your fucking minds.  I would estimate that for every good Marley track, there must be 37,000 shitty awful reggae songs out there.  Hell, if the music nazis ever came to me with a sonic Sophie's Choice and said, "We are either going to destroy Rastaman Vibration OR every other Reggae song ever recorded," I'll take Rastaman please.  Red Red Wine comes to mind, but that's Neil Diamond.  There are a few covers out there, but no good original Reggae.  WHY!!!!!!!

Drop me a message if you have a good theory.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

LOOPER



Recommend: yes

     Okay, I know my tagline is "there's just no pleasing some people" but I really only like to tear into someone's movie if it looks like they just didn't give a shit.  Like that pus-laden boil of a movie Chipwrecked.  I heard it was indeed terrible.  Saw that coming.  Everyone involved said, fuck it, we'll get some parents in the theater with their stupid kids.  Make our money back the first weekend.  I hate those dicks.  At least with Looper we seem to have something semi-original.  Director Rian Johnson has worked with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (dude, why the hyphenated last name?) a few times before --   Brick was pretty interesting, that's worth a watch.  But let's talk about this one.

     We've got a basic hitman movie with the twist being that the "marks" simply appear in some designated area from the future and these "loopers" just whack them, then Gordon-Levitt gets a surprise (probably around the 25 minute mark I'll wager) and he's got to kill his future self.  Okay, that's cool.  He obviously does not do it (or does he try and fail?, or did he kinda fail on purpose? hmm...) so now I'm curious as to whether he teams up with his future self, which kinda bums me out cause I optioned a script a while back with a similar idea, but didn't we all?  Anyway, I'll bite.  I want to see this one play out.

     It does look pretty over-stylized with the annoying video-game effects, which is par for the course now, they want those gamer-asses in the seats too, what're you gonna do?  And I notice myself buying the fact that time travel exists in this movie, but the part where Bruce Willis spins around and takes a shot in the gold bars strapped to his back (I guess the guys from the future are rather lax in their pat-downs) and blocks the shot, then hurls a gold bar at his younger self and knocks the gun free...uh, wait a minute....I buy time travel but not that shit.  But we're in a video game world. like I said.

     And the name "Loopers" is kinda good, but it seems like the Loopers aren't really doing much "looping", it looks like they just hang out and shoot people in the face.  But hopefully that will be addressed in the film.

     I'm hoping this one will be worth the couple hours.  It looks promising...let me know, won't you?

     

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

WRATH OF THE TITANS


Wrath of the Titans

Recommend: um....yes


     Finally a sequel to the remake of Clash of the Titans, a movie that never warranted a sequel itself.  Special effects look good, no excuse for bad effects with the kind of sick money Warner Bros is shoving up its ass.  They do have some interesting images though, like those molten rocks that turn into multi-armed ass-kicking ground soldiers (31 seconds in) with their swords tearing shit up.  Well done there.  And I still get a chuckle when I see Sam Worthington's name on the poster, because of Cal Worthington, the perennial used car salesman SoCal residents will remember fondly.  I think that guy is still alive.  The commercials would always start off with banjo picking and then the announcer comes in with "It's Cal Worthington and his dog, Spot."  And his "dog" spot could be a chimp, or a black bear or Thai prostitute walking on the wing of a bi-plane with Cal.  Crazy.  Anyway I see the opening images of this trailer and I hear: "it's Sam Worthington and his flying horse, Pegasus."  Cue banjo music...
     So what's the story?  The old gigantic mosters of the super-duper old times, the Titans, are breaking loose after having been imprisoned for an eternity by the Gods, and they need the help of the half-man half-god Perseus to stop them, or save the world or whatever.  Okay.  But there's something that sets off my bullshit detector when Liam Neeson -- who I think is Zeus, right?  Anyway he tells Perseus, "you'll find that being half human makes you more powerful than a god."  Okay that's just fucking patronizing bullshit there.  I admit I found it interesting in Troy when Brad Pitt tells Eric Bana that the gods are jealous of humans because humans are mortal, it made some sense.  But being half human makes Perseus more powerful?  
     No.  Humans are just lame compared to gods.  I mean, I think we would be considered like gods to, say, a potato bug, but I doubt that the potato bugs have any mythology about a half man half potato bug character who is stronger because he's half potato bug.  Unless saving your planet hinges on you scaring the shit out of someone who's digging in their garden, the half potato bug part of you is fairly worthless.  That's the kind of shit you tell weak people to make them feel better about themselves....like telling American Indians what a proud, unique, mystical people they are, when they are just as stupid as the rest of us.  I'm part Cherokee by the way...so there!
     "That indomitable human spirit..." Captain Kirk beat the shit out of that one on Star Trek.  All the powerful alien races were always jealous of us for some bizarre bullshit reason.  Good thing they never sat in on an LA City Council meeting, they'd vaporize every last one of us if they saw what we waste our time with.  Oh, and I don't know when it happened but I think Hollywood got the message to stop using those little tail-end stingers after the trailer is apparently over, that last little thing that flies at you and makes a loud thwap! or whoosh!  It's not here, even though I was expecting something like a spork to burst through Liam Neeson's chest cavity or something.  That shitty Tornado movie Twister was the first one to use that and it was amusing the first time...but I'm glad to see that little convention has seemingly shit the bed.
     Well.  Look, bottom line, if you're a young dude, young chick, this one might give you some wows here and there, so go for it.  Enjoy.  We need these kind of crazy spectacles once in a while.  Might make a fun midnight screening, maybe a little over 21 screening at the Arclight Hollywood.  Have a cocktail and watch all the leaping....lots of dudes leaping around in this trailer.

Go.  Watch.

I trust you will let me know how it is.  I'll be here trying to squirt a dropper of Amoxicillin into my sick daughter's tightly closed mouth as she kicks me in the crotch and screams.  

Ah, parenthood.

Friday, February 17, 2012

JOHN CARTER



Recommend: Yes

     This poor movie.  The producers of this one have managed to take an old Edgar Rice Burroughs story from the early part of LAST CENTURY and make it look like a rip-off of Avatar, Star Wars, Dances With Wolves, Braveheart...and probably a dozen other things.  Well, at least they can come up with a snappy title to offset the---wha?  Oh, they're going with John Carter?  I see.  Well, still., this looks like a cool idea that should have been made a long time ago but just wasn't.  I'll give Disney some love for giving it a try.  
     Here's a little nugget.  The lead character, John Carter, from the series of Burroughs' stories, was a Confederate soldier during the Civil War and I'm wondering if that is going to be dropped.  Can't have a hillbilly who thinks the brothas still need to be shackled up and picking cotton for free, so I imagine they will shit-can that bit of backstory.  And I doubt they will have sack enough to have the guy be some racist who ends up on another PLANET, the one we refer to as Mars but its inhabitants call Barsoom, and learn to see the error of his racist ways as he befriends some clearly non-white aliens.
     So...go check it out and let me know.  I'll be at home with my baby daughters streaming Lilyhammer or something.




Thursday, January 5, 2012

TYLER PERRY'S GOOD DEEDS



TYLER PERRY'S GOOD DEEDS




Recommend: Undecided

     Look, my whiteness prevents me from being able to enjoy Tyler Perry on a Madea level because it is just completely baffling to me, but here we have TP going for the Will Smith "rich black guy with a conscience" dollar and I don't know where to go with it.
     First off, am I contractually obligated in a blog post to say "Tyler Perry's" every time I mention the movie?  Cause my fingers are getting tired.  I say no.  
     And for shit's sake, Hollywood, STOP with the titles that have the hackneyed phrase that also doubles as the character's name!  Yes, his name is Deeds too...there's too many of these and I'm not gonna list them but the trailers always start out with....John Krapp is a womanizing drug-addled rock star, until a chance meeting with Jesus Christ changes his life forever....Russell Brand stars in "Holy Krapp!"

     Okay?  Just stop.  Go see it if you want, it's your money.  I even have shortcut right here for ya...



Wednesday, January 4, 2012

THE INNKEEPERS

THE INKEEPERS


Recommend: Yeah, I guess

Horror seems to be the only area where you can see new stories that are not based on previously existing material because the budgets are lower and they can use non-stars, at least this one is not claiming to be based on anything.  It may be suffering from the "fat chick who just lost a few pounds" syndrome of "showing way too much."  Just because you're down from 240 to 218 does not mean you reach for the tube-top and the capris, sweetie -- likewise this movie's gonna have lots of ghosts that become UNscary the moment you see them.  And I have a hunch that the old man who asks for a room for the night is the very guy who stood up the bride mentioned at the beginning.  Still, it looks fairly well put together.  Let me know.

Oh, and just a horror poster font-related note: using the same style of letters as the X-rated 70s gem Emmanuelle does not inspire a lot of fear...



Uh.  Yeah.