Monday, December 19, 2011

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS





RECOMMEND - Nope

This one looks like a very noisy version of Scooby Doo without Scooby or Velma. Velma seems to have been replaced with another hot chick.  Pretty standard for the current dead-eyed demo they are going for.  We got the hunky guy and the Shaggy-like pothead, and the other good-looking guy of mysterious ethnicity all gathered together in a strange cabin that is being watched by some high-tech villains who have some awful thing in store for them.  Like I said, I predict many loud music stings instead of real scares, lots of CG, and an R rating that probably will not include any tits or ass.  Well, hey, let me know if I am wrong.

TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE


TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE

RECOMMEND: uh.....yes

Part of me is afraid to recommend this mish-mosh of WTF-ness.  I got two little girls and I don't get out much these days so I don't know who the CHRIST these two guys are, but this trailer is getting a lot of hate.  I'm giving it a thumb-up, because for a god damn change here's a movie that does not appear to be a sequel or based on some comic book or some stinking video game.  Somebody's risking a lot of someone else's money on this thing and I gotta support that, baby!

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES


RECOMMEND: YEP

With all the blood rushing to my nether regions, it's difficult to comment on this one, or type, or maneuver a mouse.  That's the coolest football related teaser since The Last Boyscout.  Even the woman next to me here was getting an erection.

I don't know who the guy in the gas mask is, but he's scary, and almost as difficult to understand as Michael Caine's cockney accent, which seems to be getting stronger with each new Batman movie.  And although Christian Bale is reported to be a colossal prick, I'm on this one.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED





RECOMMEND: FUCK NO

God Dammit, who's responsible for this malignant ass-tumor? 20th Century Fox? Jesus. When the lights dim in the theater, they should just project a giant hand with its middle finger up for about ten seconds, and let everyone just go the fuck home right then and there. Save 90 minutes of their lives. I don't blame Jason Lee for this crap, the guy's an actor, it's a big check, I get it. I like the guy.

Look, I'm not expecting Toy Story 3 every time a kids' movie comes out, but at least give us a fucking reach-around for shit's sake. "Rules is my middle name?" "I'm the king of the world!" This is the dialog that makes the fucking trailer? Holy shit. My daughter is a little over two and I know she'd be clawing her own fucking eyes out inside of three minutes with this thing.

After this insult comes out and the parachute doesn't open and it crashes to earth, skip the DVD release and put all the prints or digital copies or whatever they have and throw them into some mass grave in Iran where they belong.

That's what this trailer is telling me.

Soon shall we know....

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES







RECOMMEND: YES

Am I sick as hell of sequels and prequels? Hell yeah. Sick of bad CGI too. The Film Industry is still in that new stage where they are figuring out how to use CGI, not just technically to make it look more real, but how to really use it to enhance the story. This film, as far as can be gleaned from the trailer, has a mixture of the new WETA style CGI, the same method used for Avatar, where a digital "skin" is pretty much laid over an actor, and that nauseating video-gamey crap like when that gorilla jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge. It just sorta takes you out of the movie and makes you think about the group of computer graphic artists sequestered away in some open air creative space in Burbank, and how they probably all walk over to Yaki's to have lunch together.

That being said, Caesar looks flat-out amazing, and it looks like they may be able to wring out more from this character than anyone has managed in the past. Andy Serkis is poised to really knock this one out of the park with his portrayal of the world's first truly sentient ape. He looks angry...but with pretty good reason. This may be good. If the movie as a whole does not stink up the joint I'm gonna lay a little scratch on Serkis for an Oscar nomination at least.

Did you catch that awkward phrase at 64 seconds in? "From WETA Digital, the Video Effects Company from Avatar"? That's a mouthful. Id' like to see one that says: "Based on an idea that I told Steven Spielberg one time on a plane, and he said he dug it." How much box office does an odd link like that translate to? I wonder. And that lead chick at 44 seconds is pretty solid. I'm hoping there's a scene where she gets very dirty and has to bathe. And James Franco....might be a little hard to purge that abortion of an Oscars show out of my head in order to see this cat as a smart guy.

Soon shall we know....