Friday, May 2, 2014

My New Novel on Sale on Kindle for 99 Cents!

I write potty-mouthed comments about movie trailers....but I also write movies and novels. My newest hilarious spy spoof Whiskey Tango: A Whole Nuther Kind of Spy Novel is on sale for a buck this weekend. Check it out at Amazon if you get a chance.

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Sunday, June 9, 2013

THE WOLVERINE


Recommend: Yeah (duh)

Like I am really going to sit here and tell you not to see The Wolverine? I'm not that much of a snob. I can tell you that it's got Wolverine and Samurais mixed together. Nuff said? Two great tastes that taste great together. It's like having your balls played with while you're getting a blow job. We like that, ladies...and gay dudes. But you gay dudes already knew that.

So what do we have here?  Director James Mangold does have a couple good films under his belt, two main writers, one with some good credits and one with some shitty credits, but overall it seems there is some talent behind the camera here, so that's comforting.

Story-wise we've got Wolverine meeting up with some Japanese dude he saved back in the war -- he better be a good Japanese guy in a Japanese POW camp or something because if he's just some Japanese soldier I'll be pissed because those bastards were evil little pricks during WW2 -- seriously, kids, all you know about Japan and World War 2 is that we put Japanese citizens in internment camps (no, not concentration camps) out in the desert and then we dropped an atomic bomb on them.  There's a LITTLE more to the story there, folks. The Japanese were absolute sons of bitches back then and look what happens when you drop a nuke on bad people....you get tiny radios and nice watches and great cars a few decades later. Good show, America! I wonder if Iran can make anything....

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, so this guy finds Wolverine decades later and he wants to "help" Wolverine by relieving him if his burden of being immortal. Hey, if you happen to be immortal and have a moment where you wish you could be mortal...think again cause immortal is the way to go. Humans just like to convince themselves that it mortality is better cause that is what we are stuck with, but immortal is way cooler.  Words to live (forever) by. So we will see what Wolverine does.

Anyway, enjoy The Wolverine, it will probably be pretty cool.

- The Trailer Snob

Hey! Look for my Pretentious Movie Snobs podcast on iTunes and Stitcher why dontcha....


Thursday, May 30, 2013

WE'RE THE MILLERS


Recommend: Yes, but...

Look, frankly this movie does look pretty funny.  But I have a beef with this particular RED BAND trailer. That means the trailer itself should be restricted to eyes that are over 17 years old.  Fine.  But gee, guess what the main reason is...a SWOLLEN SET OF BALLS.  You know....I blame Harvey Keitel way back in The Piano and Bad Lieutenant for giving the okay to showing your cock and balls. 

Jennifer Anniston ain't gonna be showing anything in this movie but maybe some side-boob and some see-through panties, but we do get to look at this shot of a Greg Nicotero-inspired set of spider-bitten swollen wedding tackle. Granted, it looks like it is a prosthetic, but god dammit...

I've said it before. Showing a dick and balls IS NOT the same as showing boobies and pubic hair.  If you're gonna show the male nethers, you have to show the female stuff too, and that means the lips need to part ways and I need to see some labia and perhaps the little hooded fella down there.  That's the equivalent, not just pubes and nipples. 

So can we get some more Sharon Stone Basic Instinct style female nudity going here? I understand the lesbian flick that just one the Palm d'Or at Cannes may deliver on that front, so maybe I will get some relief there.  But I have to sit through a French Lesbian film to get it. Probably gonna be way to much talking there.  And talking translates to reading cause I don't speak the French.

Hey there....don't forget to subscribe to my podcast The Pretentious Movie Snobs on itunes...or on Stitcher!

Thanks.

The Trailer Snob

Saturday, May 25, 2013

PACIFIC RIM


Recommend: Yep


This one is quite boner-inducing I have to confess. But there is exactly one thing in here that makes me say, "huh?"  Why the crap do they have to have TWO pilots inside these giant fightin' robots?  That kinda just makes no sense. Wouldn't it just compound the problem of controlling the damned things? And they look super gay in there doing their synchronized fight moves. This must be some plot device and it better be explained. Like maybe one of the pilots inside goes bad and they have to fight inside one of the robots and then the robot starts making all these crazy movements like the weird guy in Devo's Satisfaction video. I like that one flying elbow-to-the-dome move from that one robot, very Tony Jaa!

Other than that I just hope they don't rely too much on the destruction-of-famous-landmarks cliche. I think Independence Day really kicked off that annoying trend and Hollywood does not seem to be getting tired of it.  I'd rather see some different types of landmarks get squashed, like maybe the Apple Pan in West LA.  Now that would be a tragic loss. Who gives a shit about the White House? We can replace the president (in fact we do every few years), but we can never replace the Apple Pan. 

All right then.

Don't forget to subscribe to the Pretentious Movie Snobs podcast on iTunes...


Monday, May 20, 2013

RIDDICK


RECOMMEND: "N" "O" NO!

God, I hate these Riddick pieces of shit.  I've actually watched a couple of them. I forgot all about them on my way back to my car from the theater where I saw them. I don't care to know how many there are now.  Too many is my guess. Must be me. Something's wrong with me...I get it, because the character is so.... well, he can see in the dark....and, and he beats people up and...he can see in the dark -- did I mention the seeing in the dark thing?  It's so cool cause the way you know he sees in the dark is because his fucking eyes light up like flashlights. They mention that in the trailer too, "we're talking about a guy who can see in the dark." Wow, that really does give him an advantage if he's in a world without flashlights. And this doesn't look like one of those worlds so who gives a shit?

I was swimming in a pool recently with my wife and daughters and I struck up a conversation with this nice fella, I mentioned I was a movie geek and he says, "so am I.  My favorite is the Riddick series." I thought he was fucking with me at first. Not the Godfather films, not Tarantino, Scorsese...no, Riddick for shit's sake. I didn't say anything cause I liked the guy.  

He stopped by later that night for a beer and brought me DVD copies of the Riddick movies. I said "thanks" cause I'm not an asshole.  It was a nice gesture. I still have the DVDs and I'm not sure if he gave them to me or what.  I feel weird asking him if he wants them back.  They are basically drink coasters.  Does Dear Abby still exist?  Maybe someone can help me on that one.

Anyway these movies are a waste of your precious time.  We're all speeding through time headed for that pine box at the end of it all, you think you're gonna be glad you spent 9 hours watching the Riddick Quadrilogy or however many of these things there are?  

What you should watch is the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.  That is NOT time waster.  Or pick up I Claudius on Amazon. Time much better spent.  Trust me.

And if you want to know why Hollywood keeps making this shit, look in the mirror, bright boy.  You keep watching these fucking things, they'll keep making them.

Stop.  It.

-The Trailer Snob

Psst!  Check out the Pretentious Movie Snobs Podcast too and you can hear the sweet melodic tones of my voice with your actual ears...


Friday, May 17, 2013

LAST VEGAS


LAST VEGAS
(Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro, Kevin Kline, Morgan Freeman)

Recommend: No

I think I am just pissed at this trailer for reminding me how old I am.  When I was a lad, these four guys, (well three of them anyway as Morgan Freeman came later), were young studly hunks banging everything that had a hole in it (especially Michael Douglas) and now I'm watching them make Lipitor jokes and hobble around. Seriously, if you scraped under the foreskin of these aged leathery cocks you'd probably get more pussy residue than from an old rendering plant. But now they are officially old dudes.  Father Time really should get a kick in the balls. He's caught up to everyone of course -- and he will catch up to your fuckin ass too, Channing Tatum! 

And Michael Douglas, this guy must have been a God damned saint in a previous life, first he drops out of a vagina that was married to Kirk Douglas, so he's Hollywood royalty, and he's good-looking, and he's talented, then he becomes a sex addict, which is kinda hard for a non-celebrity male to fall into -- we regular guys can only dream of it, or go broke paying prostitutes. Then he marries Catherine Zeta-Jones, do I need to elaborate on that? Then he gets throat cancer, knocks on Death's door...and Death must have been in the shower or something cause he doesn't answer, and now Michael Douglas is back with this one -- and another one where he plays Liberace that looks way better than this thing whatever it is.  "Hangover" for retirees?  Is that where we are with this one? Fuck sake. And where's Jack Nicholson?

I don't think the parachute is gonna open on this one, and I say we help it die a quick death and NOT go out to see this one.  Stay home...rent Bridesmaids on your Roku box or something.

Hey, check out our podcast, The Pretentious Movie Snobs, would ya?


Monday, February 4, 2013

G.I. JOE 2: RETALIATION


Recommend: I recommend you kill yourself if you want to see this


     Hi, I'm Dave Smith of the Pretentious Movie Snobs.  Over 90 percent of 14 year-old boys in the United States want to see G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation.  But what their parents don't know is that they are horrible, abusive people who have turned their boys into semi-retarded mouth-breathing knuckle draggers.  Please join me in shaming them whenever the chance presents itself.  Together, we can make a difference.

      I mean it.  Look, if your son wants to see the latest Avengers movie, he's got a much better head on his shoulders than the ape-like bipedal creature next door with the posters of The Rock adorning his stained walls.  This trailer is simply a digital stream of shit flowing through your kid's fiber optic cable.  I watched this steaming excrement twice and I would rather stare at an empty U-Haul trailer for half a day than watch this one one more time. At least that trailer has some value.

     Well, now wait a minute, it does have an amazing sequence where some famous cities are destroyed, that's gotta be incred-- what?  Oh, that's been a fucked-out staple of disaster movies for  decades now?  Hmm...well maybe we can enjoy another sequence where the hero is hanging onto the side of a skyscraper with his pinkie finger and four other people and a dog are hanging on to his shoelaces.  Genius.  Just genius.

     I beg of you, you folks over at MGM, Skydance, and Paramount Pictures -- by the way, why so many studios involved here?  Are you all that afraid to be the only studio responsible for this obnoxious bile?  

    Anyway, there is a way to redeem yourselves for this one.  If I get all of your thumbs in the mail by end of day this Friday, I will consider the matter closed.  

    And stop warming up your cars in the garage with the doors closed in the morning.  It's affecting your judgment.

-The Trailer Snob

(and try to catch the Pretentious Movie Snobs podcast on iTunes. )